Disappointment

I used to joke that the worse thing my dad could say to me was “I am disappointed in you.” Yet, truthfully, that punishment was like no other. He didn’t have to yell; he didn’t have to spank, or ground. He just had to be disappointed, and the knife would be embedded. This, to me, was laughable because there wasn’t anything my dad had truly done, right? This, I self-proclaimed, was an innocent form of punishment that seemed self-governed by fierce love for my dad and my desire to make him proud.

Flashforward to yesterday morning. I am trying to unpack a minor morning mumbling, grumbling dispute with my partner. My head is filled with self questions like Why do I always...

The thing is I knew I was getting overwhelmed the day before–too many items were on my plate–both personal and work items. And I was proud of myself that night for recognizing this, giving myself some extra mindfulness moments, and then sending myself to bed promising myself I would re-evaluate my plate in the morning instead of overthinking that night.

Morning came and I felt the same fullness rising, trying to steal my peace. I felt it as I was preparing my tea and supplements and chatting with my partner. I kindly told my partner I needed to focus on getting ready alone or that I might be late. Then I went off to listen to a grounding meditation during the remainder of my morning routine. I left my bedroom calm only to find myself suddenly moving from 1 to 5 on the irritation scale when my partner asked a simple question about my choice to rearrange a table design if I was in such a hurry. I wasn’t in a hurry, I had responded sharply, I was waiting for my son to come downstairs and was simply trying to find Zen and patience in this rearrangement of my environment.

Now, in my car, I was searching for clues. Why had I responded so suddenly and strongly? Yes, I was feeling some extra pressure, but why was this my trigger?

Then suddenly, the word disappointment arose, like so many other similar moments in the last year. Only now… I was remembering my younger-self making jokes about disappointing my dad.

Over-Emotion Unpacked

In a recent Life-Coach School podcast episode titled “Feel Harder,” Brooke Castillo discusses the need to notice and allow over-emotions. This is different than my response above. Brooke notes the importance of managing our reactions to and other outward actions around these emotions. In the above example, I reacted instead of noting the feeling and acknowledging it was an over-reaction. Using Brooke’s model, the ideal response would be to allow the emotion and find compassion and curiosity around it, while controlling one’s outward response. Otherwise, as in my case, a person will unleash an unfair amount of emotion onto someone who will be left confused and hurt.

According to Castillo, when we feel our emotions being much stronger than the instance calls for, this is a signal that we have something to process. For example, if someone asks you a question and you feel yourself seething with anger or frustration, there is probably something hidden there to process. The same could be true if someone says something that could be slightly hurtful and you feel like you are about to collapse into sadness or despair.

When we feel these strong feelings, it is not time to criticize ourself or others, nor is it time to shove this emotion away, or to–as I did–react. Instead, it is time to make space for this emotion and become curious about it. It is time to process it through by feeling, journaling, meditating, and/or talking to someone.

On My Way

While I didn’t do this perfectly in my morning example, I was able to realize in the middle of my response that this had to do with me, not my partner. I told my partner this and expressed what I needed in that moment–all the while knowing that there was something deeper going on.

Later in the car, I began to allow this emotion time to process. I asked myself why I had overreacted and what I realized was that I felt like my every move that morning was disappointing my partner. He was expressing a need for attention, affection and appreciation–all parts of feeling loved–, and while I recognized his needs in those moments, I could only offer him small orders of each because of my own need for space, quiet and grounding. I felt like I was disappointing him–that I wasn’t enough. There was that trigger again I had been processing with for the past year–a disappointment, not enough…

As I curved down the bumpy gravel road leading to the highway, I continued to process feeling like a disappointment and “not enough” when suddenly my epiphany followed–maybe all that joking about disappointing my dad wasn’t a coincidence. Maybe it was programming. Maybe it was the root.

Core Beliefs

Speaking with my counselor later in one of our monthly check-ins, I was proud to share that I had this epiphany. To me, that epiphany felt like a breakthrough. Then, she asked me her now age-old question, “What core belief is disappointment tied to?”

The answer was the now age-old response “worthiness.”

So, I was right it was the root, but that knowledge alone wasn’t enough. I had forgotten that root meant core belief, and being triggered by a core belief, like feeling unworthy, meant work.

RE-ENTER THE WORK: Self-Compassion, Gratitude, and Self-Acceptance

So here is my take-away to share for this post: If you are finding yourself having strong emotional reactions, there may be some kind of core belief at play. If you aren’t familiar with the concept of core beliefs, I encourage you to do some research.

In my case, I have been working on worthiness through a self-care and gratitude schedule lately. I have also been working to hit the “decline” button when self-loathing or self-criticism spam my brain. These are all helpful for building my emotional and stress resilience, but as more moments, such as my disappointment moment, surface what I am realizing is the deeper work is still waiting for me.

My next step? A return visit to Self-Compassion.org and some more self-discovery of who this imperfect me is and how I can love her more.