People-Pleasing

Confession time: I have the people-pleaser disease. For some time I wasn’t certain about this fact. You see I have always danced to the beat of my own tambourine. At 5, I refused to learn how to ride a bike until I said I was ready. At 10, during recess I swung sideways in the swing set and snuck off to hidden places in the forbidden trees or under portable buildings when the playground monitor was out of sight. At 18, I decided not to go to college right away so I could work on my writing and figure myself out (to my family’s chagrin). I suppose I have always known that some rules were meant to be broken… and how to own up and apologize when caught bending said rules.

In my mid-30’s I realized that despite all this rule bending and independence, I had always, like most humans, wanted people to be happy with me–from making my parents proud to being seen as a good employee or friend. It wasn’t until recently that I realized the amount of shame and anger I was holding on to as well as the opportunities for intimacy that I was losing out on by using people-pleasing to achieve this goal. Once I began down the trail of this discovery, I knew it was time to take that alternative bend, even if this added a few miles.

What made me realize I had this problem? It started when I found myself in a new position at work. A position where I had a lot of passion and conviction, and where it seemed that no matter what I did or said, someone was upset. I couldn’t stand it. I was crawling out of my skin, dreading each day. For quite a while I didn’t link this feeling to a need to people please. I thought that I was just extra touchy because I was recently divorced and raising two teens on my own. Or, I further reasoned, maybe I was feeling self-conscious and sensitive because I was dating again after 13 years, or I was homesick from my recent move… Or maybe I wasn’t cutting myself enough slack after all these changes. For a while I stopped exploring my discomfort and just accepted it as the outcome of uprooting my life. Still, I couldn’t shake the feeling that there was something else at play here. So, beyond sharing my concerns with close friends and a counselor, I began searching in books and podcasts for more answers.

Enter the experts

On The Life Coach School Podcast, Brooke Castillo defines people-pleasing as “pretending to be better than we are.” She goes on to discuss this phenomenon as essentially denying the 50/50 in ourselves–50% positive/50% negative, or said another way 50% good/50% bad. With a little feedback from a supportive boyfriend and friends as well as some introspection, I realized that my need to make everyone happy was making me uneasy. I realized my entire life I had practiced showing people only the sides of me and the opinions that I thought they wanted to see. I was essentially denying certain elements of myself with each person I knew–family, friends, coworkers. Maybe this came from “code switching” between two families as child of divorced families. Maybe this was just a tendency of my personality. Wherever it stemmed from I was denying elements of myself with one set of people and other elements with others–and it was so natural I was unaware I was doing it. I was even more unaware this was people-pleasing.

Once I took a work position with more building-wide responsibilities, where one message was to be communicated to all colleagues, this behavior was no longer possible–and I now had to learn to accept that I wasn’t perfect and couldn’t make everyone happy. I had to learn how to see my faults, own my opinions and show up as a whole person who was willing to give and accept compassion for mistakes as well as willing to accept the possibility of being wrong or upsetting someone with my decision or beliefs. I was on the road to understanding that what is a positive attribute in one scenario can be a negative attribute in another, or vice versa.

Enter the shadow.

Wikipedia defines the shadow as “an unconscious aspect of the personality that does not correspond with the ego ideal, leading the ego to resist and project the shadow.” We can project positive or negative attributes on to others that we refuse to see in ourselves, yet through projection we are ironically more than ready to point these out in others. In fact the stronger we feel about this characteristic in others, the more likely we hold something of this aspect in ourselves.

In Debbie Ford’s The Dark Side of the Light Chasers, Ford outlines ways to embrace our shadow-selves. For Ford, she began identifying with her shadow by first identifying with a negative aspect of herself she was denying. This happened when a mentor at a retreat called her a b**** then went on to ask Debbie to describe how being said b**** had helped her in specific scenarios, such as when a contractor improperly installed something in her home. Similarly Jonah Hill in his documentary Stutz shares how he found peace by embracing his shadow self, which for him was an awkward teenage self he was denying.

Shadow work is hard stuff for all of us, but especially people-pleasers. We don’t want anyone to see our imperfections, including ourselves. We are afraid that if we acknowledge imperfections within ourselves then it will make our whole-self bad, or unworthy. By acknowledging our hidden selves, we fear, we will no longer know how to keep our self-esteem intact. Ultimately, what we fear is rejection and shame.

WHY?

So why begin this work? There are many reasons, some of which I alluded to above: You may find yourself uneasy if you can’t keep others happy, or you may find your relationships lacking true intimacy, which can lead to a feeling of being isolated or alone. There are more reasons, of course. Your reasons are yours. If you are like me, then you may one day find that your own shadow is the elephant in the room to understanding a troubling pattern. Or perhaps you are someone on a journey of self-discovery out of sheer curiosity. Whatever your own reason, having a strong why is the first step in any large change. My major reasons are discussed below.

Powerlessness & Strains on Relationships

Included with this “disease” is the compulsion to have things I do verified by others. To highlight this issue, during the course of writing this blog, I found myself needing to be given permission to cancel an appointment for my own pet. How ridiculous does that sound? Not only does needing others’ permission take our power, but it can also annoy others and put strain on relationships. Yet just the thought of making a wrong decision that could negatively impact others and lead to them being mad or disappointed in me can create feelings of guilt and shame that drive my people-pleasing actions.

I used to see this phenomenon as indecision or not wanting to take responsibility. Now I see it as a paralyzing fear of being wrong and of failing to please others. This habit of character not only annoyed me but also others. Ironically, insisting on confirmation from others or for someone else to make a decision has the opposite of the pleasing effect sought after. Not only does this complicate simple life decisions and make the people-pleaser feel weak, but it is also an annoyance on others in your life and puts constant pressure on them to make decisions in the relationship. This in itself seems bad enough, but perhaps even worse, it keeps interactions with others from being authentic–closing off a true intimacy. It is, as Castillo alludes, a type of dishonesty with self and others where by we pretend not to know what we want and essential refuse to make a decision.

You see, when we can’t acknowledge something in ourselves, we may fail to stand our ground, or, worse yet, through denying our own shadows we may end up projecting our disapproval of ourselves onto others. This can lead to acting hypocritically & vilifying others–both of which can make getting along with others, especially in a dispute, difficult at work or home. We also block a chance to see our whole humanity and to approach ourselves with truth and self-compassion. As a result, we lack full compassion and empathy for others, and we fail to reach our highest selves.

How do we begin to change?

So how do we go about the hard part of changing this behavior? I have included some self-help ideas that I used below. The steps I have included are in a logical order, but anyone step alone or the steps taken out of order can also help you begin your journey of overcoming people-pleasing behavior. That said, please remember I am not a professional or expert on this subject: A professional counselor or licensed therapist can be an important and helpful place to start if you notice this is profoundly impacting your life.

Steps to Change

Step 1: Identify the real problem & acknowledge the truth of the situation

There are plenty of self-help resources out there to help you with this step. In “Chapter 10: Befriending the Shadow” of How to be an Adult in Relationships, David Richo lays out exercises for integrating both our positive and negative shadows in hopes of “restoring our wholeness by taking back…all our projected, banished parts” (93). Debbie Ford’s previously mentioned book The Darkside of the Light Chasers also offers exercises to help us do the same. If you get the audiobook, she will even prompt you through the exercises in a mindful way. Yet, again, you may want to seek the help of a counselor to guide you through the process of recognizing what it is about yourself you are denying. After all, people-pleasers are experts at not only putting on a show for others, but also for themselves.

Step 2: Practicing radical acceptance

For me seeing and accepting the difficulty of recent and past situations allowed me to work towards self-compassion for myself and compassion for others in those situations. This was my first step to peace. I had to take a hard look at myself but then offer myself–and others–some grace. When I was first working through this, I lived in step 2 for quite some time. I also practiced not responding and excusing myself from difficult situations that felt overwhelming when possible. In this way, I created space and peace for myself. Acceptance didn’t come over night. It will always be something I work on. Yet, eventually I became good enough at practicing this that I was ready for step 3.

Step 3: Choosing how to respond and behave in future situations

For me, step 3 was where I tried to start in the beginning. I just wanted someone to tell me what to do so that I could stop feeling terrible! Yet, this step actually evolved naturally out of doing the hard work in steps one and two. I had to understand and accept myself and others with compassion before I could get to the work of changing the situations that were replaying. Once I had done that hard work, I could then put energy into what I would do in these recurring and distressing situations. I couldn’t always excuse myself to meditate and create space. Anyway creating space wasn’t making me show up authentically in disagreements, etc. I had to find a new way of being. The caveat here was finding a more subtle form of influence where I could calmly and respectfully holding my beliefs in a case of disagreement. The hardest part here was holding self-compassion for past poor behavior in difficult situations. Not being able to please everyone at work, had led to me to proudly holding my opinion and, unfortunately, vilifying and holding little empathy for those who refused to consider my side. Holding up this mirror was painful, but it helped me to see some truths about the situations I was finding myself in that I had been denying.

By seeing these truths in a compassionate way (steps 1 and 2), I was able to forgive and let go of my errors and choose a new way in the future. I decided I would allow myself space to process before responding, I would remind myself to listen to and always find respect for others, and remind myself to still be fair to myself by speaking my truth. When I spoke my truth, I would behave towards others in a way that aligned with my values and that I was proud of.

Step 4: Maintenance

I will always have those moments or days when I am frustrated because I have something to do and it is hard to stop and listen. Days where I wish the other person would just see what I see so we could move on. Or days where I feel compelled to have someone else make the decision or take responsibility for me, so I can’t “get it wrong.” These are impulsive ways of reacting when I am busy or am not living in the moment.

Just like changing any behavior or establishing any new habit, recovering from people-pleasing takes work. You will at times go back to past behaviors. You will feel compulsions. That is where recognizing that you will always be in maintenance to some degree comes into play.

Maintenance simply means repeating the steps above when needed and being on the alert to recognize when new or old ways of people pleasing may be sneaking into your life. It also means accepting difficult situations and giving yourself compassion. It means re-choosing how to act in a situation. Recently, I was given an idea of creating a bullet-page where I could mark daily or weekly when I chose a desired behavior. My list might look like this: active listening, being decisive, pausing before responding, speaking my truth respectfully. You can decide what attributes you want to include on your own anti-people-pleasing/shadow-awareness list.

Ultimately, I am grateful for the challenging situations that made me realized that I wasn’t living my truth. By creating versions of myself that I thought people wanted me to be, I was robbing myself and others of real and deep relationships. My people pleasing was veiling the true me, as were other shadow-denying behaviors.

I am glad I put down the façade. Of course, I will always have that little wish that I could have done it with less pain for myself and others–but that isn’t the way of the world. I had to learn the hard way in order to learn to accept and then forgive myself and others on a deeper level than ever before. I had to accept we all have failures and then move on from there to love and appreciate the world with all its faults. Of course, another part of the shadow is accepting gifts that we are denying, but that may be for another post.